A Quest To Discover Who I Am

While writing this, I was visiting the five-year-old version of myself in my hippocampus; it’s a section of the brain that stores memories of specific events in our lives. She was there laughing with her friends, watching her favorite kids show, reading her favorite story book, playing with her thousands of puzzles. I asked her, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She didn’t take long to reply, “I want to be a priest.” I really wanted to tell her that she would grow up to be the biggest jerk her friends have ever met, and that she would despise priests and the ideas they try to instill in people’s head. But let’s not ruin her innocent mind.

Jumping ahead five years, she was at school being academically great as always, but she was also the biggest bully at that time. I approached her and asked her the same question. She replied loudly and firmly, “I want to and will be the President. All must respect me and follow my orders.” She, somehow, knew that she would grow up to be a tyrant who demanded her family, friends, and lover to obey her every command.

Five years later, she was a brilliant high school student. Winning competitions on behalf of her school was what kept her going every day. She relished all the recognitions and compliments. People began to view her as a harmless nerd, so she tried to balance her good and bad sides in order for people to both admire and fear her. She brought trophies and pride for her school, while at the same time going in and out of the counseling teacher office. I asked her the same question. She replied, “I want to be a Foreign Minister, and that’s why I will take International Relations study in college.” Little did she know, she would find it useless, and she would lose all the interests.

The memories of the five years ago me were still fresh in my head. She was occupied with her work in an organization, but she was having fun. Becoming Foreign Minister was no longer her goal, but she was certain about something else. The question raised. She responded with a more realistic answer, “I believe I have finally discovered my calling. I want to work as an HR professional because I enjoy spotting talent in others and being a part of their development.” Sadly, that’s not what she becomes in five years.

Today, she is sitting in front of a laptop, struggling with a slew of backlogs and bugs that she must resolve before her last day of work. She is ready to move and settle for a perfect job for her, at least that’s what she thinks now. She knows that five years later, she will laugh at herself for being so certain about today.

The human mind is incredibly dangerous. It will try to convince you that you are something, only to make you doubt yourself seconds later. If you do some sort of memories visiting like what I did today, you will realize that your mind has been screwing you up all this time. It will never allow you to have what you want. When you are so close to your plan, your mind will find a way to turn the steering wheel, or to hit the brakes so you will have some time to reconsider. If you’ve ever thought that who you are now is who you really are, toss that thought out the window because the quest to find yourself will never stop. You are nobody. We are nobody.

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A curious young woman who ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis.

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Marhaeny Egawaty

Marhaeny Egawaty

A curious young woman who ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis.

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